I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
