Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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