Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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