I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
