she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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