I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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