Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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