I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
