fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
