I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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