I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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