I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
