its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
