the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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