tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
