Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
