My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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