Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
