I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
