I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
