I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this boner is exhausting
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
