Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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