just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
