I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
