oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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