if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Help. Why am I so naked?
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