you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
