direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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