I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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