ADVERTISEMENT

• (775): View more from Nevada

  This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.

  Fav 3 1131 3302

  share tweet
  

• (336): View more from North Carolina

  We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

  Fav 14 1788 5803

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

  Fav 25 10038 1431

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.

  Fav 2 2080 892

  share tweet
  

• (440): View more from Ohio

  Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.

  Fav 0 1084 616

  share tweet
  

• (214): View more from Texas

  MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

  (214): View more from Texas

  SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

  Fav 12 1407 699

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (330): View more from Ohio

  Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.

  Fav 6 781 1524

  share tweet
  

• (520): View more from Arizona

  Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.

  Fav 0 847 671

  share tweet
  

• (989): View more from Michigan

  Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.

  Fav 4 613 412

  share tweet
  

• (541): View more from Oregon

  He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came

  Fav 5 564 726

  share tweet
  

• (530): View more from California

  I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage

  Fav 0 542 327

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (815): View more from Illinois

  best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.

  Fav 6 681 360

  share tweet
  

• (475): View more from Connecticut

  his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.

  Fav 3 308 71

  share tweet
  

• (503): View more from Oregon

  I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?

  Fav 2 121 8

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (252): View more from North Carolina

  It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?

  Fav 0 8 28

  share tweet
  

Randomize