Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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