Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's the barista slut.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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