for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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