wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
