I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
