I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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