I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
