So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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