I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
