Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
