I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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