went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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