my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
