Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i need an iv and a liver transplant
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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