I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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