Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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