I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
