Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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