Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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