pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
